One Step at a Time

So, I've been thinking.

Where am I going? What am I doing? I'm plagued by getting it right, by finding the ending. I want to know that I'm in the right direction, doing the things I need to do. But I've been so caught up in trying to find my destination that I'm missing the scenery and stops of my road trip along the way.

Change of perspective. Work in me to shift my eyes not to the distance, but to the close up, right now view that's staring me in the face. It's about the journey. I've heard that phrase over and over, but it means something to me now.

I've needed to slow down and clear out clutter. Stop doing and start being. Being quiet with God, making myself back off on obligations I've placed on my plate and reenergize for this season of life as God prepares me for the next.

I am to shake off the yoke that's choked me for months. Lift the weight from my shoulders and place Christ's on instead. For He has promised it to be light and that I will find rest.

Follow His lead. See the view before me, and be grateful for the slower pace. It's about Who is on the journey with me. He's my direction. All I must do is watch for His steps and put my small, faltering shoes in His prints and breathe in each slip of movement along the way, one step at a time.

Heartbeat

A heartbeat.

One thump.

One drum.

Heavy hitting against my lungs. Vibrating lungs into the ribcage. The voice of my soul, echoing in the damp, slick cavern two thousand miles beneath my skin.

Another beat.

Another thump.

Another drum, opening up taut hopes that have only reverberated once before, when I was a child with an innocent gleam of light between my veins, caught up around my fingers.

Again. Again. my heart pumps a time dictated by an eternity not marked on earth. I listen to its breathing, sure and sacred and miraculous.

There is something deeper than I can claim. I am transparent in the glow and guided by the beat.

A heartbeat.

Mine.

Speaking to discover.

Live This Day

Guide me, Lord. Whisper to me the path I should take. And let me live this day as the only one I am given. Make it count.

This is my prayer for today.

Golden Boy

                                                   Freddy, my heart's desire, and me.


I just got back from my sponsor trip to Nicaragua with Compassion International. I visited child development centers and was struck by the beauty of these generous, giving, loving people who welcomed us into their lives with no hesitation. The poverty is immense, strikingly so, but they have a joy and hope that cannot be quenched. And I didn't fully realize how much the sponsor letters and prayers mean until I saw the results firsthand. It was a joy to meet my 8 year old boy, Freddy. God was completely present through the entire trip, and I know He is doing BIG things in the country of Nicaragua and its people. Sponsoring and giving these children a future and release from poverty in the name of Jesus is PIVITAL in changing this world. I encourage you to look into sponsorship. I brought a few child packets home from the children I met at the centers; please contact me if you would like to know more and take on the privilege of becoming a sponsor and changing the life of a beautiful child.

Whoever welcomes one of these little children in My name welcomes Me; and whoever welcomes Me does not welcome Me but the One who sent Me.

-Mark 9:37

I have always loved you from afar.

            When I first saw your photograph, the smooth, cinnamon of your skin and round, imploring eyes, my heart cried out for you. My soul leapt across oceans to find you and soothe your fears. “Yes,” it whispered. “I have found you. I choose you. I am molded to your heart. I will love you with all I have.”

            And so I read of your world through letters, poured my eyes over the lines to learn of all you liked, and prayed with hope lifted for God to hold you close because I couldn’t. At night I dreamed of your laughter and wrapped my life with yours. Thoughts and questions danced in my mind, tinkling like wind chimes lulling me to sleep. Who do you want to be? What is the color of your heart? Do you ever think of me? I don’t know if you could feel it, but I sent a piece of myself in every photograph and card I could never send fast enough. For years I gave my heart to you, over a distance that carried promise and love in a thousand translations. In the deepest, most timid spaces of my heart, I kept the desire to see you tucked inside.

            You were an angel haloed in Heaven, and I could not touch you with earthly fingers reaching and climbing to your castle in the clouds. I always yearned for you, soaking in the colors in your drawings, noting how you always painted a sun that brightly shined in the sky.

            And then, a miracle. My arms, flying to yours. I prepared for months, thinking of things you’d like and stenciling your smile in my mind. Each day was another breath, drawing the space between us closer, each month a planet orbiting around your light. I was in your pull, and it was all I could do to keep from running the miles and countries between us until I found you in the breaking daylight. Patience was a thorn in my side.

            I crossed borders and skylines to be with you. As I waited to meet you, my stomach jumped, full of tiny crickets that chirped to see your face. My eyes devoured the doors, watching for the chocolate hair and secret smile. I became the earth, anticipating the moment when you streak into my atmosphere, a burning ball of beautiful boy. My heart was a stuttering record, skipping and scratching against my lungs. Seconds seeped by, trickling onto the pavement until I saw a pair of black shoes stepping towards the door. Air caught in my throat and my eyes drank you in- every curve of your face, each strand of hair blowing in the quiet breeze, the wide eyed innocence and shyness pooling in those endless brown eyes.

            I knelt to you and found my hands reaching for you and suddenly the softness of your shirt was knit to me and your tiny bones found space between mine. The span of your arms reached around my neck and wrapped me to you. And I held on, breathing in the life beating before me and the particles arranging to make us one. You are flesh and bone before me, with a heart so wide and gentle, generous and joyful. My world ignited this day, fanned by the flames of your unabashed laughter, the sheer radiance of your spirit. My life burns brighter because of you, because of the unquestioning acceptance you give me; no hesitation, only happiness.

            You are my sun. You move me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am yours, and it tears me apart to say goodbye. Here I sit, thousands of miles in the air, staring at the steams of golden light woven in the clouds, crying next to a stranger because I am moving away from you. I mourn the distance growing between us, and I have a crazy thought to demand that the pilot turn around and bring me back to you.

            But still, you are here with me. Cradled in the softest pocket of my heart, your smile sewn on my lips. Your blazing eyes fused in mine, the web of your small hand still pressed in my own. We will be together again. We will float through the universe of our dreams and our love will be transferred between God’s messengers.

            I have loved you with a closeness that transcends mortal ways of wonder. We are welded in one another, and what God has matched together, no man can take apart.

            You are my heart. You are my golden boy, my teacher, my admiration. I am forever changed because of you. Shine brightly. The radiance of our Lord is bursting out of your sun-swept soul.

                                                    Meeting for the first time.

                                                   Me and Freddy with his new baseball glove.

                                         One of my favorite pics- me with Freddy and his little brother Yeral.

Freddy and Rooster Manuel.

This trip, beyond words.

Wrecked

I am wrecked.

Forever and fervently.

Lord, help me hear Your voice whispering behind me, "This is the way; walk in it."

 

The brown eyed boy who captivated my heart.

Right Around the Corner

Can I just take this moment to let it sink in that in less than a month, I will be in Nicaragua to visit my little boy, Freddy? Since deciding to take the trip back in February, and all the months spent organizing and praying and thinking and writing to Freddy and seeing God graciously provide for this to be financially be possible (long sentence I know), this reality is closer than I could have imagined.

It is right around the corner. And it has begun pulsing underneath my skin, sure, and steady. I see Freddy's face in my dreams, and soon I will see it in person, see his beautiful smile, hold his perfect hand.

I am going to see my little boy. I never thought it would be possible.

Island in My Chest

There used to be an island in my chest.
With sandy dunes that shifted
shape in the wind,
with birds calling out to one another
in the sweetness of summer,
with gentle shores that lapped up
the eager arrival of salted waves.
There were storms and solitude,
breath and beauty,
and somewhere, hidden in the roots
of the oldest tree,
lay all secrets of the world.
Now, the earth has sunk beneath the surface,
swallowed by memory, overgrown
with washed up silence.
There are no more secrets,
there is no more beauty,
only muted voices echoing through the air
of what was once rumored
to fill the floating space long ago.

When Donkeys Talk

Tyler Blanski invites his readers to journey with him through the winding roads of Christiandom and find the Renaissance of revival in today’s religious society. We strapped ourselves onto donkeys and rode through the myths that make up faith and trails that took us to the truth of what we seek. Through When Donkeys Talk, which I had the chance to read through Booksneeze®, we traced the steps of those who came before us and reformed faith in Christ to a vibrant, real relationship.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep up with the pace of Blanski and didn’t quite follow much of his quest’s logic. I wasn’t a fan of how he kept referring to his donkey as an a** and wove the alternate meaning in with us as we struggle to find a firm faith foundation. It distracted me from giving my concentration to his story. The concept of the book was a good idea, and I understand the message he wanted to convey; for me, it was a bit too much hidden behind the allegory he portrayed. It didn’t capture my attention, though I liked his mind conception.  It is a nicely constructed book, but I don’t know if I would recommend it with gusto to a friend.

Image from Barnes and Noble

Compassion Sunday

Hello my dear friends!

 

The upcoming month of April is special to me, because April 21 is Compassion Sunday. It is a day dedicated to children across the world held down by the bonds of poverty. But it's a day of hope, because you can do something to change the future of these children.

I did.

Two and a half years ago, I began to sponsor a boy from Nicaragua named Freddy. He stole my heart immediately, and I have been blessed and privileged to watch him grow in God's love and the hope planted in his heart. Through Compassion International's sponsorship program, not only has Freddy received the help and growth and encouragement he needs, but I have been blessed beyond measure from knowing this boy and feeling God's heartbeat in mine each time I pray for him. About five months ago, I became a correspondent to a ten year old boy named Francisco from Brazil. I provide encouragement through prayer and letters, and this bright eyed boy has slipped into my heart just as easily as Freddy did.

I'm writing to encourage you to take a look at the web page I created for Compassion Sunday. It is my hope and my prayer that you take some time to consider sponsoring a child and changing their life.

 

Please visit http://my.compassionsunday.com/e/SarahRennicke12 to read a bit more about my sponsorship story and learn how to get involved.

 

This is a world where hopelessness, despair and hurt run rampant. But we can catch glimpses of light and beauty. In our hearts, in our actions, in the eyes of these precious children. We can make a difference in the lives of those longing for affection.

 

Sponsoring has changed my life. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that it will change yours, too.

Thank you for taking the time to read over my story, and may God bless your helping heart!

 

Sarah

P.S. Please feel free to forward this post to any friends who may also want to consider Compassion :)

Heading Out For A Bit

Heading for some much needed sun and relaxation. I am hoping it's a time of refreshment and refocusing. And praying that God will speak clearly into my soul and give me my next life's steps.

Waiting for some big footprints.

Why

Why is it always a struggle?
Why is my back always against the wall?
Why can I never say the right things, feel the right ways, do the right things?
Why can't I make a difference?
Why is my whole voice filled with why?

Why. Such a small world. Yet within it lies such a huge universe.

Everything

Thanks to BarnesandNoble.com for their photo.

For everyone that has lived on half a tank of faith, Mary DeMuth explores the concept of giving everything to live for Jesus, letting Him take control of your deepest, untouched parts of your heart. Her book, Everything, which I received through Booksneeze®, discusses the stages we go through in struggle and despair, until we ultimately lay broken at the feet of Jesus and He begins to piece us back together.

Written in a fresh voice peppered with description and warmth, DeMuth admits to her darker hours, where she struggled with many obstacles and hurts throughout the course of her life, most recently, moving to France with her family for mission work. Her honesty resonated with me, because when I started the book, I was coming out of a time of confusion and discouragement, as well. She helped me realize that I was not in my struggles alone, and that underneath all my heartache is the necessary abandonment to lose myself in Jesus. The end of each chapter had reflection questions to further let His truth sink in. I would certainly recommend this book to anyone who is hungry to be healed from their hurt, and who longs to give their everything to Jesus.

In Awe

I'm just kind of in awe today. I can't really put into words except that I'm humbled and in awe by what God is doing in my life, what He has given me today.

First, I find out that I'm at top 30 finalist in the WestBow Press/Women of Faith 2012 writing contest! I'm a top finalist, one out of 30 in the nation, out of 456 writers or so.. how incredibly amazing is that?! WOW!! I'm surprised and it's having a hard time settling in my brain. Thank You, God, for this wonderful gift! And you know what's great about this? It came at the perfect time, when I really feel like this is a confirmation that I am moving in the right direction and God has other, bigger plans for me than I may have thought a year ago. Last week was tough. Faced with thoughts and struggles that made me question what I was supposed to be doing and if I needed to keep moving forward.

And keep moving forward I will. Because it's the route God wants me to take.

Also today, I signed up to go to Nicaragua in September with Compassion International to visit a few Child Development Centers, and visit my sponsored child, Freddy! I've been wanting to go for a year and a half, but now feels like the right time, and I've been praying and wanting to be proactive. I've been a bit curious as to where the finances would come, but God's been shaping my heart that I knew that if I signed up to go, He would provide and help me take care of how I would pay. I'm smiling thinking about it, because when I went to register I put in the 20% discount code I received due to the generosity of Compassion and my being an advocate with them (and God's graciousness, of course), it all took my breath away--- and unbelievable that just like that, my Lord and Provider smiled down on me and gave me a gift and an answer right there and then. What an amazing testament to the beauty and care and provision of my Lord God!! Praise His name!!

So, this has been quite the day for me. Those two great things in one day- it's almost too much to believe! But, that's the great thing about my God- I believe in Him to be big, and He is happy to show me how big He truly is.

I love You, Lord. Thank you for such a beautiful blessing of a day!

To Such as These

To Such as These, originally uploaded by SeaScapes12.

But Jesus called the children to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
-Luke 18:16

This is me.
I have a name, but it is not easy to remember or pronounce and the person to whom it is attached to holds no real value. Or so people tell me.
I am small. And the world around me is so big.
There are things I want.
To be comforted in the black pit of night. To raise my eyes and see sunlight streaming through my window, instead of waking to a smudged scene as dim to my heart as to my sight. To know if anything I do, any words I can stumble from my mouth, are worthy enough to catch praise. For my father to take notice. For my mother to smile with her heart. But my wants are met with a silence, cold and loud that speaks of my insignificance.
I am afraid to lift my eyes and meet the ones I long to light with love. But they look past me, a void between the brows, glazing as if I am not in the room. Or they are full of lead and heaviness, a dark pool of pain that turns on me. They are cruel. And all I can do is cower, hoping it won’t take long to extinguish.
Sometimes my stomach trembles for days, feeding off itself because I don’t remember the last time I had a meal. Or even a scrap to keep me scraping along. My tiny belly bloats, and a tiredness takes root inside me that makes playing even seem impossible. My mother wants to fill my hunger. You can see it in her waning eyes. But there are so many mouths to feed, and there is so little provision…
Maybe one day the tasks I do will help. Maybe one day all the hours at the market, begging with my flea-specked hands outstretched will bring a loaf of bread or basket of fruit, something to sustain us and give us hope. Maybe one day my arms will be strong and I can work the fields so my mother doesn’t have to. Maybe my father will come back and care for me, like he once promised to do so long ago.
For such a small heart, it sure sits heavy inside of me. I long to love and be loved back. I have so much to give. I have a bright, wide smile that rejoices in simple games and gentle gestures. If you were to slip your large, clean hand into my small and dusty one, you would find our fingers fit perfectly together. I’d like to crawl into your lap and delve into the depths of your care.
I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to be filled with an endless love, grace poured out to me like the river I bathe in.
Tonight, I’ll lay on the floor in the corner of my mud-caked hut, chilled by the cool earth and sleep a dreamless sleep. But it’s ok that I don’t dream. You get used to forgetting what once gave you hope. What you once looked forward to. Tonight I’ll trust that I survived another day. That I am alive. That has to count for something, small as my life may be. And if I wake into another day, I will rise and wander the streets again, looking for leftovers or tatters of clothes to sustain me and my family.
This is me. This is my life. Wanting to cling to someone who will look into my drooping eyes and tell me that I am worth something. Anything. I just long for a little bit to believe in.
Help me believe.

Prayer:
Jesus, help the children. Help the little ones who want, who wander lost, lonely and in despair. Help me to help heal them, however big or small my role may be. For Your kingdom belongs to such as these. Wrap them in Your comfort, let them feel the warmth of Your overflowing love. Hold onto them tightly, Lord. Amen.

***
Every day, thousands of children go to bed hungry, dirty, and afraid, full of desperation and a lingering loneliness. They look at the crumbling world around them, seeing no answers to the unasked questions they seek. Their families are grasping to keep together, battling unemployment, depression, and starvation. Sometimes, there is nowhere to sleep but on the ground, covered in dirt and garbage and a saturated hopelessness. They go to sleep wishing for a chance to survive, grow and live.
You have the chance to help. Through Compassion International, you can feed and clothe children, help them receive medical attention that can be deadly to them though they are easily treatable, and give them an education that builds up their hearts and heads to provide a new and hopeful life that they otherwise might never know. You can change the plight of these children. You can encourage them that their future is glowing brighter by the day. Whether it’s sponsoring a child for a mere $38 a month, donating to medical treatment, disaster relief or the unsponsored children, or offering to pray for their hearts and homes, you will be making a significant difference in the life of a child who lives in poverty.
It only takes one ripple to cause a tidal wave. It only takes one snowflake to start an avalanche.
It only takes one person to teach and live out the love of Jesus.
Please, consider changing the life of a child through Compassion International. What you give comes back tenfold and the greatest blessing is the joy blooming in you knowing a little boy or girl will have enough to eat, will be encouraged that their life is beautiful and worth so much, and that they receive the love of Christ to fully satisfy their craving heart.
Visit www.compassion.com for more information and various ways you can help, or send me a message. I’m more than happy to answer any questions you may have.
God bless you, and may you sincerely seek to help these broken, beautiful children.

Believe

Believe.


Such a tiny word. Yet it holds so much inside its letters.

Believe. Can I let You lead me into something beautiful, something big and beyond anything I could ever imagine?

Where will I go with this fragile blooming faith?