Freddy, my heart's desire, and me.
I just got back from my sponsor trip to Nicaragua with Compassion International. I visited child development centers and was struck by the beauty of these generous, giving, loving people who welcomed us into their lives with no hesitation. The poverty is immense, strikingly so, but they have a joy and hope that cannot be quenched. And I didn't fully realize how much the sponsor letters and prayers mean until I saw the results firsthand. It was a joy to meet my 8 year old boy, Freddy. God was completely present through the entire trip, and I know He is doing BIG things in the country of Nicaragua and its people. Sponsoring and giving these children a future and release from poverty in the name of Jesus is PIVITAL in changing this world. I encourage you to look into sponsorship. I brought a few child packets home from the children I met at the centers; please contact me if you would like to know more and take on the privilege of becoming a sponsor and changing the life of a beautiful child.
Whoever welcomes one of these little children in My name welcomes Me; and
whoever welcomes Me does not welcome Me but the One who sent Me.
-Mark 9:37
I have always loved you from
afar.
When I
first saw your photograph, the smooth, cinnamon of your skin and round,
imploring eyes, my heart cried out for you. My soul leapt across oceans to find
you and soothe your fears. “Yes,” it whispered. “I have found you. I choose
you. I am molded to your heart. I will love you with all I have.”
And so I
read of your world through letters, poured my eyes over the lines to learn of
all you liked, and prayed with hope lifted for God to hold you close because I
couldn’t. At night I dreamed of your laughter and wrapped my life with yours.
Thoughts and questions danced in my mind, tinkling like wind chimes lulling me
to sleep. Who do you want to be? What is the color of your heart? Do you ever
think of me? I don’t know if you could feel it, but I sent a piece of myself in
every photograph and card I could never send fast enough. For years I gave my
heart to you, over a distance that carried promise and love in a thousand
translations. In the deepest, most timid spaces of my heart, I kept the desire
to see you tucked inside.
You were an
angel haloed in Heaven, and I could not touch you with earthly fingers reaching
and climbing to your castle in the clouds. I always yearned for you, soaking in
the colors in your drawings, noting how you always painted a sun that brightly
shined in the sky.
And then, a
miracle. My arms, flying to yours. I prepared for months, thinking of things
you’d like and stenciling your smile in my mind. Each day was another breath,
drawing the space between us closer, each month a planet orbiting around your
light. I was in your pull, and it was all I could do to keep from running the
miles and countries between us until I found you in the breaking daylight.
Patience was a thorn in my side.
I crossed
borders and skylines to be with you. As I waited to meet you, my stomach jumped,
full of tiny crickets that chirped to see your face. My eyes devoured the
doors, watching for the chocolate hair and secret smile. I became the earth,
anticipating the moment when you streak into my atmosphere, a burning ball of
beautiful boy. My heart was a stuttering record, skipping and scratching
against my lungs. Seconds seeped by, trickling onto the pavement until I saw a
pair of black shoes stepping towards the door. Air caught in my throat and my
eyes drank you in- every curve of your face, each strand of hair blowing in the
quiet breeze, the wide eyed innocence and shyness pooling in those endless
brown eyes.
I knelt to
you and found my hands reaching for you and suddenly the softness of your shirt
was knit to me and your tiny bones found space between mine. The span of your
arms reached around my neck and wrapped me to you. And I held on, breathing in
the life beating before me and the particles arranging to make us one. You are
flesh and bone before me, with a heart so wide and gentle, generous and joyful.
My world ignited this day, fanned by the flames of your unabashed laughter, the
sheer radiance of your spirit. My life burns brighter because of you, because
of the unquestioning acceptance you give me; no hesitation, only happiness.
You are my
sun. You move me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am yours, and it tears me
apart to say goodbye. Here I sit, thousands of miles in the air, staring at the
steams of golden light woven in the clouds, crying next to a stranger because I
am moving away from you. I mourn the distance growing between us, and I have a
crazy thought to demand that the pilot turn around and bring me back to you.
But still,
you are here with me. Cradled in the softest pocket of my heart, your smile
sewn on my lips. Your blazing eyes fused in mine, the web of your small hand
still pressed in my own. We will be together again. We will float through the
universe of our dreams and our love will be transferred between God’s
messengers.
I have
loved you with a closeness that transcends mortal ways of wonder. We are welded
in one another, and what God has matched together, no man can take apart.
You are my
heart. You are my golden boy, my teacher, my admiration. I am forever changed
because of you. Shine brightly. The radiance of our Lord is bursting out of
your sun-swept soul.
Meeting for the first time.
Me and Freddy with his new baseball glove.
One of my favorite pics- me with Freddy and his little brother Yeral.
Freddy and Rooster Manuel.
This trip, beyond words.
