And There Was Light: October 2013

Freddy, my heart's desire, and me.

I just got back from my sponsor trip to Nicaragua with Compassion International. I visited child development centers and was struck by the beauty of these generous, giving, loving people who welcomed us into their lives with no hesitation. The poverty is immense, strikingly so, but they have a joy and hope that cannot be quenched. And I didn't fully realize how much the sponsor letters and prayers mean until I saw the results firsthand. It was a joy to meet my 8 year old boy, Freddy. God was completely present through the entire trip, and I know He is doing BIG things in the country of Nicaragua and its people. Sponsoring and giving these children a future and release from poverty in the name of Jesus is PIVITAL in changing this world. I encourage you to look into sponsorship. I brought a few child packets home from the children I met at the centers; please contact me if you would like to know more and take on the privilege of becoming a sponsor and changing the life of a beautiful child.

Whoever welcomes one of these little children in My name welcomes Me; and whoever welcomes Me does not welcome Me but the One who sent Me.

-Mark 9:37

I have always loved you from afar.

When I first saw your photograph, the smooth, cinnamon of your skin and round, imploring eyes, my heart cried out for you. My soul leapt across oceans to find you and soothe your fears. “Yes,” it whispered. “I have found you. I choose you. I am molded to your heart. I will love you with all I have.”

And so I read of your world through letters, poured my eyes over the lines to learn of all you liked, and prayed with hope lifted for God to hold you close because I couldn’t. At night I dreamed of your laughter and wrapped my life with yours. Thoughts and questions danced in my mind, tinkling like wind chimes lulling me to sleep. Who do you want to be? What is the color of your heart? Do you ever think of me? I don’t know if you could feel it, but I sent a piece of myself in every photograph and card I could never send fast enough. For years I gave my heart to you, over a distance that carried promise and love in a thousand translations. In the deepest, most timid spaces of my heart, I kept the desire to see you tucked inside.

You were an angel haloed in Heaven, and I could not touch you with earthly fingers reaching and climbing to your castle in the clouds. I always yearned for you, soaking in the colors in your drawings, noting how you always painted a sun that brightly shined in the sky.

And then, a miracle. My arms, flying to yours. I prepared for months, thinking of things you’d like and stenciling your smile in my mind. Each day was another breath, drawing the space between us closer, each month a planet orbiting around your light. I was in your pull, and it was all I could do to keep from running the miles and countries between us until I found you in the breaking daylight. Patience was a thorn in my side.

I crossed borders and skylines to be with you. As I waited to meet you, my stomach jumped, full of tiny crickets that chirped to see your face. My eyes devoured the doors, watching for the chocolate hair and secret smile. I became the earth, anticipating the moment when you streak into my atmosphere, a burning ball of beautiful boy. My heart was a stuttering record, skipping and scratching against my lungs. Seconds seeped by, trickling onto the pavement until I saw a pair of black shoes stepping towards the door. Air caught in my throat and my eyes drank you in- every curve of your face, each strand of hair blowing in the quiet breeze, the wide eyed innocence and shyness pooling in those endless brown eyes.

I knelt to you and found my hands reaching for you and suddenly the softness of your shirt was knit to me and your tiny bones found space between mine. The span of your arms reached around my neck and wrapped me to you. And I held on, breathing in the life beating before me and the particles arranging to make us one. You are flesh and bone before me, with a heart so wide and gentle, generous and joyful. My world ignited this day, fanned by the flames of your unabashed laughter, the sheer radiance of your spirit. My life burns brighter because of you, because of the unquestioning acceptance you give me; no hesitation, only happiness.

You are my sun. You move me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am yours, and it tears me apart to say goodbye. Here I sit, thousands of miles in the air, staring at the steams of golden light woven in the clouds, crying next to a stranger because I am moving away from you. I mourn the distance growing between us, and I have a crazy thought to demand that the pilot turn around and bring me back to you.

But still, you are here with me. Cradled in the softest pocket of my heart, your smile sewn on my lips. Your blazing eyes fused in mine, the web of your small hand still pressed in my own. We will be together again. We will float through the universe of our dreams and our love will be transferred between God’s messengers.

I have loved you with a closeness that transcends mortal ways of wonder. We are welded in one another, and what God has matched together, no man can take apart.

You are my heart. You are my golden boy, my teacher, my admiration. I am forever changed because of you. Shine brightly. The radiance of our Lord is bursting out of your sun-swept soul.